


What the Angel Saw

by Etienne_Lennon



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2014-08-17
Packaged: 2018-02-13 14:34:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2154213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Etienne_Lennon/pseuds/Etienne_Lennon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what Gadreel experiences when he is in Sam to heal him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What the Angel Saw

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously, none of this is mine. No profits made. Spoilers for Season 9.  
> This is more a character study than a story. You have been warned. 
> 
> I love the show and usually I'm on board with their super literal versions of heaven, hell and everything. But as a biologist I can't let them get away with Adam, Eve and the Garden of Eden. Sorry, I just can't.

Gadreel is not like other angels. He never has been. Angels are placid beings. They don't really feel things, they don't understand or appreciate God's plan. They follow orders and don't ask questions. Gadreel is different. He would follow orders, yes, he needed the structure, the purpose. He was never one to question or to think for himself. He was however capable of feelings of sorts. For one thing, he felt love, a specialized, individual love for an other angel. He didn't even know that was unusual, that no Angel was suppposed to have feelings like this until much much later. 

His other feeling was the joy he felt upon watching God's latest creation. Humans. They were as beautiful as the animals God had created before, as special in the way their bodies functioned perfectly in a material world. To think this was God's doing. Creating space and elements and laws to tie them together until there would be this planet full with water and then suddenly something new, cells that were – alive. Life, what a new and fantastic concept for an Angel. Most of the others wouldn't watch the whole thing. But Gadreel - he couldn't get enough. For billions of years he looked and watched. Saw dinosaurs come and go, saw them develop into birds, saw the first mammals and then apes. And then there were new apes, less hairy and social in a different way somehow. And he would watch them even more closely than the other beings, would not tire of their actions. And then someday, he would hear from God directly. And he would have orders to watch this planet and especially that new species, watch them as only an Angel could, eternally and restless. Gadreel was pleased with the task. He didn't know exactly what he was protectiong them from, those Humans. He just followed orders.

And when Lucifer came and wanted to be amongst them, Gadreel was happy another angel appreciated them like he did. Even a fallen angel. He didn't know what would follow. Didn't know about the self-awareness, free will and according anger, jealousy, hatred and violence that was so different from that of the other animals. He hadn't known. He still didn't know if it was really Lucifer's fault or just the way humans would develop. And was punished nevertheless. And then the imprisonment, the suffering. And then the fall.

Seeing this planet again, the people, it was weird, incomprehensible, confusing. He didn't even consciously chose his vessel. It just happened. The first real choice he made was to answer his first prayer, the prayer of Dean Winchester.

 

Gadreel had given himself another name. A name he had heard spoken in reverence because he could not deal with the risk of discovery. And he had really meant to help the Winchesters or hadn't he ? It was hard to tell when he had changed his plan. But he was almost certain, back when he first entered Sam Winchester, it was to help him. It was to ease Dean's suffering that had been so loud, so palpable. The pain had resonated on angel radio in a way that Gadreel had witnessed only very few times in his existence. 

Sam had not welcomed him, he had welcomed his brother. And that in itself was something different, special. Normally, a person would have to open their soul to an angel in a way that was most private and devout to something larger than the life of that person. Through Dean, Sam had let the angel right in. Had opened his maimed, hurting soul like it was innocent and new. 

And even Gadreel, who had been through the torture of heaven – more subtle and because of it more terrible than the torture in hell – even Gadreel felt like he was burned upon touching Sam Winchester's soul. It was so raw, almost wild. Like a raw egg that had been broken the pain and confusion would wash over Gadreel and burn him. There was no escape, there was no hiding from what was in that boy. For a boy he still was to the ancient Angel. But the things he had suffered, the anger, the Angst. Just the smallest look inside and Gadreel would dive into what could only be described as a mess.

Sam is a baby, looking at the ceiling as his mother hangs there, bleeding. He smiles, he is too small to know whats going on but he has just tasted demon blood and it makes him giggle in a baby's delight. Its a fragment in his soul that Sam himself has no recollection of. Sam's first conscious memory is of Dean. Sam is three, maybe four years old. He is playing hide-and seek with his brother in a motel room. He is hiding in a closet. He is not even aware of the real concept of the game, he is just hiding away to see if Dean would try and find him. But he gets scared when no one comes to open the door. It's dark and it's cold and he feels like maybe Dean has abandoned him and he is all alone now. But the doors will open and Dean will be there and he will say „I got you, Sammy.“ And he won't ever forget that. 

Gadreel is healing Sam's shattered body. He has followed the evolution of life from single-cell organisms and still can't believe, how complex and beautiful a human being is. It takes long, it is intense because the damage is supernatural and Sam's fibers have not been fabricated to withstand that energy. It's the soul that is damaged beyond repair though. Gadreel is fascinated against his will. His other vessel had issues, secrets, a history. But there was no comparison. 

Sam is fighting with his father, over and over again. It never stops. They yell and they throw things in anger. And Dean just sits there or leaves the room. Dean will later come to Sam and will sit on his bed and he will ask Sam to apologize and understand Dad. Sam can't do that. Sam is not like Dean, he can't accept his father's rules. 

Lucifer will want him as a vessel for that and Sam will think he can handle it but he can't- Sam always needs to proof something, to his Dad, to himself, to God and the angels. He needs to proof that he is not evil, that he can take what he is and do good. He needs to proof to Dean that he is worthy of – love. Of Dean's love. He has run away from his family, he has tried everything to leave it all behind. But he never could, he never can. He wants to die because he can't take it anymore. But Dean won't let him. And the hurt just grows.

Gadreel cannot really handle human emotions. He might be different from other angels but fear, lust and loss – that is not something he can understand. It frightens him to wander Sam like a corridor in an old house and upon opening doors, by accident or purpose, finding things there that are way past human or maybe way too human, he will never know. 

Dean is lying dead and torn on the ground. His flesh is in stripes and his eyes open and unseeing. Sam has seen violence. Both his mother and the woman he loved have bled on him while he was lying in bed They would go up in flames. His father died, the man that took care of him him like a father died, violence and death are part of his life as romance and comfort are part of the lives of other people. But Dean – Dean can't be gone. Dean has always been there. It rips him apart. Everyday the memory and the thought of it happening again tears at Sam and he cannot find words for it. He can never undo what happened, what Dean did for him and what came out of it. More blood, betrayer and Lucifer. 

Gadreel has memories of love. Angels are supposed to be filled with a detached form of affection for all in God's creation. But Gadreel has loved one angel above the others and he has loved human kind more than the other animals. But with Sam it's different.

Dean is in Sam's first erotic dream. He is just a bystander. He sits in the coffee shop and cheers Sam on to take the blouse of that cute waitress and fondle her breasts. Sam doesn't even think it's weird, because of course Dean is there. There is no life without Dean at that point. He will have more dreams and there will be dreams without girls, just Dean. Sam won't remember them in the next morning. These are his thoughts, his secrets, the things that no one should know. But Lucifer knew and now Gadreel knows. 

Gadreel doesn't understand what the problem is. He has seen animals mate since the dawn of time. It always seemed a bit funny to him but apparently good for them. The rules are different now but Gadreel doesn't know what they are. He only feels the hurt. 

Sam was in the pit. There was pain beyond his imagination. He remembered Dean's description of hell. He was cut and stripped of all he was. But the worse was being awoken by Dean, having Dean's hand cool his burning forehead and Dean's soft lips on his mouth. Sam sighs. He lets go of the pain and smiles. Dean smiles at him. He touches him again and it is good. It is beautiful. Until conscience returns and Dean withdraws. „You sick bastard actually liked that.“ Sam shakes his head no but it is too late. „I wanted to test you, see if you're worthy for the hunt again but you – you're an abomination.“ „No!“ Sam shouts as Dean leaves but there is no way back and he hears Dean in his head. „Do you know how far you have come from normal? How far from human?“ And Sam feels he is dirt. He actually calls for Lucifer to cut him open again but he is left alone in the dark. 

Gadreel can see it all. All that Sam ever wanted to hide, even from himself, it is consumed by an Angel. 

Sam loses himself. He always had Dean and it always meant pain. The only peace he ever had was at Stanford and a few minutes with Amelia. And when he had returned without a soul. The self-loathing had been less or gone, he had been bereft of feelings. Sometimes Sam wished he could be without Dean even though being without Dean was the worst he could imagine. But mostly he wished he could just be on the road with his brother. Without burdens, without baggage. Just them. Simple cases. Simple times. 

Gadreel would try and give him that. He was an angel. He was merciful.

FIN


End file.
